This Too Shall Pass

This Too Shall Pass

I’m really struggling at the moment with this sleeping thing. My 6 month old  and I are having differences of opinion on what times she should sleep, how long, or even if she should sleep at all.

It really does my head in. I’ve done this before. I’m a practiced professional! Just watch for tired signs, swaddle them up tight, stick in a pacifier and help them learn to self-settle. It’s worked well twice before, it should again right? 

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! 

 

This wee girl came out reluctant to sleep and hasn’t changed her ideas much in 6 months.  She hated the swaddle, hated the pacifier, cried in the rocker, the stroller, the swing and the car-seat.  Not keen on rocking or bouncing; shushing or patting just kept her awake. 

Eventually after walking her around for up to 4 hours, she would drop from exhaustion. A dairy-free diet and ranitidine for reflux helped some, but there was just no magic button. I kept hanging on for that key 6 week mark when things would get better, when this would pass. 

“This too shall pass”

That mummy mantra which was recited to me many times. I repeated this mantra, oh how I repeated this mantra, through gritted teeth. But 6 weeks came and went without significant improvement. And so instead, it became just hold-on until 3 months.

This too shall pass.

And it did. 3 months passed, and so did my newborn. She lost her squishy brand-new-ness, wished away over and over throughout endless nights of exhaustion and frustration. 

She started smiling and laughing, started reaching and rolling. And now I find us here, after 6 months, still taking an hour or more to settle, waking at least twice per night and up for 1-2 hours each time. Trying every self-soothing and sleep association trick in the book, before resorting to feeding her to sleep and desperately hoping she will transfer without waking.

This too shall pass.

It will, but what if it never gets better? I have wished away 6 months waiting for this to pass. What if this is it? This is the baby I have to learn to know and love.  But in wanting this to pass, am I wishing her very self away?

Our baby boy was born with health complications, and the time with a sick baby in the NICU unit is quite likely anyone’s “this too shall pass.” Time that someone with a different outcome might wish forgotten.  But that was our time. That we didn't want to pass. The only time we had. And we had to use it, to make memories we could hold forever, to have moments where time stood still instead. Locking away pressure and anguish until we choose to face them.

And I haven’t applied that attitude to my here and now, because “this too shall pass.” I hardened my heart to our difficulties, because that's how you get through, waiting for time to pass. The actual problem is more about me and my unfulfilled wants and needs than hers. 

And in doing so, I missed the simple pure joy carefully hidden amongst endless sleepless nights.  The awkward newborn legs that don’t quite fit, the little snoring triangle mouth when she finally goes to sleep on your shoulder, the first awe-filled cuddles with her older sisters.

I wish instead of saying “this too shall pass”, I had said to myself from the start,

She’s not giving me a hard time, she’s HAVING a hard time

For each one of those moments, both good and bad, has passed. 

I may wake up tomorrow and find this is too has passed.